I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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