the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
