how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
