I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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