He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well I just put wine in my tea
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
