Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
BRING THE BAGELS
Randomize
