Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I can't turn off my feet"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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