he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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