My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
