he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
