Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
