I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
