I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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