I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
