Do you still have your period?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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