remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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