We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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