i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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