Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
