It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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