the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
