I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
