I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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