New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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