I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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