Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's never too late to be topless.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
