Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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