We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
