she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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