3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
