Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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