Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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