walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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