I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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