Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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