took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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