he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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