I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
