i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
