I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
