Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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