Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
