my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
