I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
