just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
