it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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