I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
