I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
