I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
