that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
