the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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