Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
