so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
