i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
