I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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