I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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