Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
