On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
