She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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