I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
