Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
