There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
