got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
