R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
